Tag Archives: Gary Barlow

X-Factor…Fag Ash Breath-gate

27 Oct

The X-Factor has long thrived on many things, the musical ability of some contestants, a controlled dose of weirdness from other contestants, the rivalry of the judges, etc. These have all been carefully balanced and orchestrated to deliver the Saturday night ratings winner that it has long been – ITV’s golden goose.

X-Factor’s shine has depended on all these parameters staying within acceptable limits. The show could deliver a final of 11 Leona Lewis’s but if it did that it wouldn’t be as entertaining as a show with clear and contrasting contestant abilities.

It could pack a show with Jedward’s, Wagner’s, Chico’s and Rylan’s but that would just be a Victorian freak show and would be probably illegal under some European Human Rights convention on dignity.

It could have the Judges bitterly at each other throats and getting real personal about it…it could and tonight it has, live on air.

In the past we were fed stories about Judges bickering but it generally was of two flavours, over the top in a pantomime fashion, or frosty but professional. It just never became vividly personal, nothing to seriously detract from the main show.

When someone refers to your breath as “fag ash breath” they’ve gone P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L in a big way. The scene was the judges’ comments after Christopher Maloney had sung. Tulisa is giving her feedback claiming Maloney, who Barlow mentors, was delivering poor versions of 80’s hits week after week, she really goes for it and Gary Barlow sits there seething, when he was finally given the opportunity to respond and boy did he do just that…

Tulisa: “I have to stop having a go at you and let your mentor take some blame for you. Gary, how many of these 80s hits are you going to let him keep destroying? He is getting the same critique every week, why not change it up for him? It’s not working.”

Gary Barlow: “Tulisa, I don’t know what’s offended me more, what you said or the fag ash breath!”

Tulisa (after a moment of stunned silence) replies rather weakly: “Lay off the red wine, because I can smell that from here as well.”

I am sure an apology will follow and the publicity people will be kicking into overdrive to clear up the mess, but the tight ship that was HMS X-Factor is beginning to unravel, standards seem to be slipping in direct correlation with the drop in its audience share and this does not bode well for the Golden Goose.

X-Factor..It is “Rylan Style” as he is officially crowned this season’s clown.

14 Oct

We all know good clowns are entertaining, we also know the X-Factor is an entertainment show so no surprises that every season the series needs to anoint an entertainer to ensure that people don’t mistakenly label it as a serious music show.

In the past we have had Jedward, Wenger and Chico all X-Factor legends who fulfilled this role admirably. So this season’s big question was who will step into the role.

Well truthfully, it wasn’t really a big question as we all knew who the anointed one was. Step forward Rylan Clark . If we had any doubts he was the One, his performance at the Judges house when he was told by Nicole Scherzinger he was through, erased any doubt

In a cringing 2 minutes he showed himself to be the Drama Queen’s favourite Drama Queen as he wailed, cried, rolled on the floor in a display of shock, surprise, happiness, shtick and crassness. To call it over the top would be seriously downplaying it.

Rylan’s Oscar moment

If he was anointed at the Judges House, yesterday’s live show was his coronation. The “entertainers” are always given big productions, stage props, dancers and lots of glitter all purposely designed to hide the fact that the “entertainer” can’t sing for toffee.

Yesterday Rylan was given his first big production. He opened with a few seconds of Take That’s Back For Good to Gary Barlow’s initial despair, but that was just a tease it was going to get worse for Gary.

An X-Factor “entertainer” is not bound to a single song like other contestants. His or her weapon of choice is the mashup and that’s what we got, a mix of Groove is in the Heart, Gangam Style and Pump Up the Jam and the resulting attrocious concotion has been  appropriately dubbed “Rylan Style” by his fans.

A reluctant world is introduced to Rylan Style. The only highlight of that clip is Nicole Scherzinger dancing gangam stlye.

Like Marmite, it possible that some people actually love Rylan, if you are  one of those poor souls let us know.

X-Factor ten more things you will hear over the coming weeks

6 Oct

We are now at the live shows and for the next few weeks we are going to see some great musical moment popping up between a relentless stream of cliches. To get you ready here are our top ten live show cliches to look out for

“That was not the performance of the night … that was the performance of the series.”
This makes it appearance from about the third week, but a definite one to look out for

“You know what?…”
The opening phrase “You know what” is a sure fire sign that a cliche is on it’s way. Favoured by Gary Barlow.

“The thing about you is you can really sing”
So you took them through the auditions, boot camp and the Judges Houses and you are only finding this out?

“The whole of XXXXX will be picking up their phone for you tonight”
Insert Wales / Ireland / Scotland or anywhere the judges think people are so amazed to see one of their own on TV they don’t care how good or not they are.

“I want to win this for my son/daughter and give them a better life”
At least one of the contestants will remind us that how coming on the X-Factor is the only way to ensure your kids don’t end up in some Victorian poor house.

“You made that song your own”
And Madonna, Luther, Nirvana, The Beatles are never going to get it back…ever!

“People like you are what this show is all about.”
As well as the millions in revenue from adverts, text and phone voting, the tour after the show etc…

“You look like a pop star, you sound like a pop star…you’re a pop star!”
A Louis Walsh favourite, accompanied by jabbing his pen in the air.

“You have the whole package”
Often to the better looking contestants, a reminder that they don’t have to be that good to get far.

And the top cliche of them all is a favourite of the cliche-meister that is Louis Walsh

“You remind me of a young…..”
End as a appropriate taking in to consideration their race / hair colour / weight etc.