Tag Archives: Doner kebab

Movies on TV….Lesbian Vampire Killers (BBC1)

8 Feb
Lesbian Vampire Killers

Lesbian Vampire Killers (Wikipedia)

Imagine if I you were a hormonal 17 year old lad and the star of a hit TV show that enthralled the nation and turned you into a star across the country.

Imagine if some film dudes came along, looking to cash in on your new found popularity and offered to make any film you like with you as the star. I can imagine a film like Lesbian Vampire Killers would be top of your list, but surely not if you are in your 30′s with thoughts of a serious career.

Well Matthew Horne and James Corden stars of hit comedy Gavin and Stacey did just that, leveraging their fame from the BBC3 cult hit into one of the worst films to grace our TV screens in a long while.

The premise is very simple, two lads find themselves in the middle of the Norwich countryside late at night and spend the next hour and half stitching together every conceivable horror film cliche.

From the darkly lit pub with a bunch of unfriendly, inbred looking locals warning the two lads to be wary. The priest fighting a lone battle against the forces of evil. A camper van of exceptionally fine looking Swedish girls happy to party with the boys. The absence of any women over the age of 25 (we can’t have any actresses not there for anything other than their looks and youth). The lipstick lesbian vampires. It’s all there

What was missing was a discernible plot that made much sense, even for an outlandish horror movie.

It turns out that somehow this little village has a curse that turns all women over 18 into lesbian vampires. The only thing standing in the way of their  total domination of East Anglia is the character played by Matthew Horne who unknown to him is a descendant of a legendary vampire slayer.

The boys party with the girls, the Swedish girls get killed or turned into vampires one by one, till we are left with the two heroes, the last of the Swedish girls and the final not-so-epic battle with the forces of evil at a graveyard.

If you have been out on the lash, and struggled home with a doner kebab stuffed with salad and lashings of chilli sauce you may well think this has Oscar winning potential, but when you wake up in the morning you’ll quickly realise the film was just slightly more memorable than the remnants of last night’s Kebab.